Connecting with Our Kids

Connecting with Our Kids - Part 1
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Forging stronger communities comes with the creation of meaningful connections between various members of that community—and with more meaningful connections the stronger and more resilient our communities can become. Our younger generation, one could say, is likely among the most important groups, at least in terms of long-term human resilience. In recent decades, however, isolation from each other is becoming more and more pervasive and our connection with our children seems to have suffered the greatest blow.
Raising young ones in a fast-paced, hectic modern world brings greater challenges than ever before, but the bond we share with our children is a sacred one that deserves our full attention. This is not about beating ourselves up over not doing the right thing. It is not about the times we may have reacted inappropriately in this moment or that one—we have all been there. Let us move forward as we owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to our relationships with them.
This article is part 1 of a series of articles proposing many areas of focus which I feel would prove highly effective in growing and nurturing our next generation—our children—into positive, self-confident, conscientious and capable human beings, as well as bringing to light healthier ways of connecting and relating to one another.

​Topic This Week: Be Present
Remind yourself that your children will only be this age once. You will never have these days back again. It is heart-wrenching to watch a bright-eyed, adventuresome child, filled with so much innocent curiosity, approach an adult who is less than enthused or only half-heartedly attentive.
“Being present” implies a conscious awareness in the moment, recognizing its importance and significance and acknowledging that each minute with your children is valuable. It means slowing down and not placing such a high priority on other tasks, timings and schedules—in other words, not having to rush off to the next big thing. Even when there might be something on the agenda which requires some degree of urgency, it is our behavior and attitude toward these events that matters and eventually becomes modelled after. Being present means exactly that—focusing on the present and not some future event. And how many times really is that thing that is on the schedule really more important than the feelings and thoughts of the child in front of you at that moment?

​Tuning In 

A major part of being present is our ability to “tune in” to our little human beings. This takes a great deal of practice and is something that is never quite perfected. How often though do we find ourselves in the middle of another task when a child requires attention? Then how often do we actually stop the task and pay 100% attention to the child? When we only give a portion of our attention to our young ones, there is this tendency to apply a conditioned response or “knee-jerk” reaction to the situation. Take for example an adult who is busy texting when approached by a daughter who wants to show off some art she has created. The parent takes maybe a few seconds to glance up with a response of “Oh, that’s nice, Dear.” Was there any real connection there?  How often have we seen something similar to this? And it doesn’t always have to be a hand-held device as the culprit—although that is a big one. It can be, however, any task from doing the dishes to fixing the car. We miss out on so many opportunities to engage our children—opportunities for growth of the child and the growth of our relationship with them. If we are even partially immersing ourselves in another task, how can we be sure we are responding appropriately to our loved ones?

​Listening

Most youngsters by their very nature love telling stories about their day. Maybe it was something that happened at school, or a tale about a friend or any adventure they’ve had-good or bad. Oftentimes we feel it is our obligation to give advice or offer a life lesson. Those situations definitely have their place, but sometimes a child just wants someone who will listen. Applying mindfulness while we open ourselves to a child’s story is the ultimate test for our listening skills. If we pay attention to what our minds ‘do’ we can ensure better and better attention is given over time. The next time your child tells you a story, ask yourself if you are really hearing what they are saying, or are you just waiting to give your response. Sometimes part of their story may trigger a memory of our own and we just can’t wait to tell them about it, but this could tear our attention away at a time when children are offering a valuable insight about themselves. Sometimes it is beautiful just to listen. And you never know what you might learn yourself.

​Other times we are tempted to use the child’s story as an opportunity to teach them something. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but try not to overdo it. If every time a child’s story receives a “Dad’s Book of Life” response, or another friendly addition of “Mom’s Do’s and don’ts” this may discourage the child’s story-telling over time. So choose your lessons moderately during these occasions. And again, we don’t want our intended lessons to interfere with our chance to listen and learn ourselves, so we have to be mindful of where our attention is directed—lesson or no lesson.
This whole idea of being present with our kids takes time and requires great persistence. Miracles do not happen overnight and there is really no perfecting it—just improving over time. I personally still find my mind wandering off on a tangent, waiting to respond, then catching myself (when I remember to) and asking “did I hear what she just said?” and the answer is usually ‘no’, which means I have to ask something like “what class was this in?” or “which of your friends was this again?” and so forth. Then I must realign my focus and bring myself back to my “centre”, so that I once again am ready to pay attention. Be kind to yourself though. We are all here to learn and to grow. As long as you know you are doing your best—there is no shame in that!

“When we hear, we either accept or reject. Or we translate what we hear according to our knowledge our background. Or we compare what is being said to what is already known. Or we oppose one idea by another. All these characteristics of hearing deny the act of listening. When one listens, there is no comparison. There is no acceptance or rejection. The very act of listening brings about a total attention in which you see the totality and the whole significance and structure of what is being said. The quality of listening is attention, and when you attend totally with your whole mind, with your heart, with your nerves, with your eyes and ears completely intensely listening […] in that state of attention there is the act of listening and that act of listening puts away anything that is not true […] When you attend there is no border of inattention. And that act of listening is really a miracle, perhaps it’s the greatest miracle, when one can listen totally without any defense, without any barrier.”
~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
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